Top 5 Upcoming Games of 2015… that I couldn’t give half a sh*t about

By JimboSlice 19 March 2015

So to keep up daily content output, Tim challenged me to do some market research and write and article about the top 5 games coming out this year that I’m most excited about.  After doing that research, I’ve turned up a whole slew of AAA titles that everyone seems excited about and I couldn’t care less.  Don’t get me wrong, these games may turn out to be good, maybe even great, but for each of these games, I have my reasons for completely ignoring their release dates.

Honorable Mention: American Truck Simulator

Release Date: 10 August 2015

I couldn’t in good conscience put this on on the actual numbered list… it’s just too easy.  I mean, seriously, who the hell actually buys these games?  Is your real life so awful that simulating the interior of a Mack and an 800 mile strip of asphalt across New Mexico is actually something you look forward to?

5. Halo 5: Guardians

Release Date: Q3… what the fuck kind of quantum time bullshi- oh, it means fiscal quarter 3… so like, sometime in October?  Who knows.

Okay, I’ll be honest.  I picked this one for this spot because they were both 5.  But trust me, Halo 5: They’re Still Milking It deserves to be here.  I saw the pictures and I watched the trailer, and it all looks very nice and shiny, yes good job 343, your pre-rendered in-engine video was quite pretty.  And it told me jack shit about the game.  If it wasn’t for the green armor, someone could have told me this was the trailer for Mass Effect 4 and I would have believed them.  All I know for certain about this game is that it somehow involves space, and explosions.  So… this could be Call of Dooty: Modern Warfare 2?  Hell, I’m pretty sure 007: Nightfire still fits this description.  The problem with trailers like this, instead of actual gameplay footage, is that I have no idea what the finished product that I will receive is going to look like.  I have a sneaking suspicion that it’s going to be… basically the same as every other Halo game ever made, with the fewest adjustments possible.  At this point, they’re just farming the series because they know that people will buy it out of brand loyalty and nostalgia’s sake; they stopped major innovation in this series a long time ago, because they found a formula that sells and people keep buying it.  I’m not blaming them, I’m just a little bitter that I didn’t think of it first.

4. Borderlands: The Handsome Collection

Release Date: 24 March 2015 in North America; 27 March Internationally

Borderlands: THC, no, not the fun kind consists of Borderlands 2, the Pre-Sequel, and all DLC for those two original games.  As far as I can tell, this game is being marketed directly at the people who already bought those games when they first came out.  Either this is entirely redundant and a totally unnecessary addition to the world of video games, or 2K and Gearbox have become the digital version of drug dealers.  Pushing their new product on us, slowly but constantly upping the dose so we need more and more of it every time just to feel alive anymore and the only thing that makes us happy anymore is continuing to follow that joy deeper and deeper like we’re caught in some kind of entertainment black hole, like a… an applause-trap or something an- … oh.  Oh wow, that’s actually what they’re doing, isn’t it?  They got us hooked with their cool, cell-shaded graphics and kept us playing, constantly looking for that next better gun… and now they just have to remind us of that initial rush to keep us chasing the dragon until we’re too vegetated to realize they drained our wallets!  Or maybe I’m a paranoid psychotic who needs to take a break from video games to get some fresh air… but either way, I’m giving this one a wide berth.

3. Star Wars: Battlefront

Release Date: “Holiday 2015″… so maybe sometime by summer 2016

Hey assholes at EA (because of course I expect them to read this article), Pandemic Studios already made Star Wars: Battlefront ten years ago, call your game what it is and name it “Battlefront 3” like some sensible human beings instead of being so pedantic and egocentric that you need to co-opt an already-existing name just to confuse consumers.  Sorry about that… I have… let’s just say “strong feelings” towards EA as a company.  If you had asked me in 2005 if I was excited about an upcoming sequel to Star Wars: Battlefront 2, I would have literally jumped for joy and squealed like a little girl.  But now?  Sorry, but too much time has passed for me to feel comfortable that they’d keep the same basic format of the game and adequately improve it.  On top of that, the fact that EA is both publishing and developing the game (via their Digital Illusions Creative Entertainment, DICE) gives me little faith that it will actually be something I will enjoy playing.  Would I be happy if this prediction turned out to be wrong, and the new Battlefront took all the best parts of Battlefront 2 and brought them up to current generation technology? Absolutely (I’m having glorious visions of massive multiplayer hero vs. villain brawls in Mos Eisley again)… do I expect that to actually happen? Not one bit.  Better to be pessimistic than to get my hopes up just for EA to shit all over them.  Again.

2. Dead Island 2

Release Date: Honestly, who the f**k knows… sometime this year

Ever heard the saying, “fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me”?  Here’s a textbook example.  Dead Island had one of the most beautiful, moving, artistic, and intelligent trailers of all time… and the game was a steaming pile of crap that was nothing like the trailer.  Dead Island 2 has a lovely, witty, entertaining trailer which premiered at E3 last year… and this time, I know better.  Yes, this one is being developed by Yager Development, a completely different studio than the one that did the original turd of a game (Techland).  But this will be the fifth game in the Dead Island series (there were two spin-off games last year, for those of you who, like me, read that and went, “wait, when the hell did that happen?”) by the fourth development team.  That suggests that the publishers, Deep Silver, were not satisfied with any of their three previous publishers to the point that they would be trusted with a major title sequel (or that the developers were not physically up to the task and didn’t have sufficient resources to make a big game like this).  I watched the “gameplay” trailer and very quickly realized how little gameplay it actually showed… and what it did show wasn’t very impressive.  Pretty, yes, I’m not criticizing that… but it didn’t show me anything new or cool enough to make me actually want to play this game.  It looked a lot like Dying Light without the parkour and the inertia-defying grappling hook, so why would I bother buying this game when I could just play Dying Light and get the same experience (while also pretending to be Spiderman)?

1. Firefly Online

Release Date: Not gorram soon enough

All of the other entries in this article are games that I don’t care about for one reason or another… this one… is different.  This one I can’t care about.  Published and developed by Quantum Mechanix, Firefly Online is a labor of love on the part of several long-time fans of the show to recreate the ‘Verse in an MMO that was first announced back in 2013.  Set to release some unspecified time in the spring of this year, FFO will allow players to take on the role of captain and pilot a ship, hire crew, trade goods, do jobs, get paid, and keep flying.  The game is set to feature a central story to serve as a main plot, along side additional non-linear side plots to serve as optional missions; players will even have the ability to create jobs for other players to complete.  As any self-respecting MMO should be, the game world is truly massive, set to feature more than 200 planets which players can visit.  Essentially, it’s like an open-world version of FTL, but set in the Firefly universe.  It’s… literally everything I could possibly want in a multiplayer game.  But I can’t get excited for it.  I won’t.  I care too much… and I won’t have my heart broken… not again.

I am a leaf on the wind… watch how I soar… *run away crying*

*Editorial Note: After the first publishing of this article, I switched the image used for Dead Island 2 (originally ) to the embedded E3 trailer.  I also fixed my grammar in a couple places, in case you were curious.

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