By Enji, 07 November 2015
Happy N7 Day! Yall thought I forgot, didn’t you? Thought ole Tim wasn’t going to make a Mass Effect recipe because the last game was 3 years ago? Well, you’re about as wrong as the Cerberus experiments from Mass Effect 1 or the ending of the Mass Effect Trilogy (pre extended edition). I grabbed my trust omnispatula and began work on a tasty treat that all of you should know as college food … ramen.
Yes ramen! The prepackaged noodle set with a side package the flavor of being single. Some of you might not know this, but ramen doesn’t have to be as sad as all the movies and your life make it out to be. In fact, if you just Google ramen you see how many people have been doing it better than you. Hell, even in the year 2183 ramen is still in existence and people sold to Krogans, Asari, and Quarians as refined Earth food. It’s either refined because ramen has become exceeding rare in the galaxy or humans are greedy jerks who fleece poor aliens out of credits.
Now we’re going to make a super simple version of ramen that you can do without having to run to a specialty food store. We’re also going to toss in a recipe for a spice bomb that the Krogan King Wrex and the Krogan Guppy Grunt both love (though Grunt got to name it). So get ready to say that Smorgasdork is your favorite food blog on the citadel, because we’re about to get started.
- 4 Cups of Chicken or Veggie Broth
- 2 Cups of Water
- 1 Yellow Onion (diced)
- 1 Green Onion (chopped)
- 1 Tblspn Parsley
- 4 Carrots (chopped)
- 1 Cup Corn
- 3 Eggs (soft-boiled; 6 minutes)
- 1/2 Cup Firm Tofu (cubed)
- 4 Packages of Ramen Noodles
Grunt’s Gut Punch
- 6 Tblspn Sriracha
- 6 Tsp Chili Oil
- 3 Tsp White Pepper
- 3 Tsp Black Pepper
- 4 Cloves of Garlic (diced)
So, that’s a pretty big shopping list right? Well it’s actually going to be super simple to put together. See, when I’m not writing Smorgasdork, I work. Working takes away from my valuable cooking time and fantasy food creation. So I did what any sensible person would do and invest in a crock pot. You can do this recipe in a pot as well, but using a slow cooker is the easiest way to make a dinner for 4 when you’re not around to be an adult.
I like to start with spices because they kick the hell out of my sinuses and allow me to smell my food throughout the cooking process. For Grunt’s Gut Punch, take a pan and lightly oil it with half the chili oil. Toss in the diced garlic at a low heat, stirring occasionally. You just want to brown it a bit, then add the rest of the chili oil and spices (black and white pepper). You really add the sriracha if you, like me, like to punish yourself for the stupid things you’ve done in your life (looking at you ghost pepper poppers). You can dump the Gut Punch into the broth now, letting it simmer and spread in heat, or save it as a side if you want the option to back out of a terrible life choice.
Now, grab your slow cooker and toss in the chicken broth, and everything listed under the “Soup” heading except for the tofu, eggs, and ramen. Set it to low heat and wait 8 hrs. Or go work on the spice bomb if you haven’t already and wait for 7 hrs and 57 minutes.
You back yet? Good! We still have cooking to do. Give yourself about 15 minutes before the finish to prep the eggs and the ramen. Soft-boil the eggs by boiling a pop of salted water and have them sit submerged for 6 minutes. Crack them open and cut in half, immediately tossing them into the soup, saving the boiling water the eggs were in. Follow the cooking instructions for the ramen package, and cook them to your desired firmness. I’d say just before al dente because they’ll continue to cook in your crock pot. When the ramen noodles are done, strain them out, and toss into the pot. Stir and serve! Remember, real Renegades use the spice bomb. Happy N7 Day!