Sweetrolls a la Fallout

Sure sure, sweetrolls are just an inside joke for Bethesda Softworks, but hey, who says an easter egg can’t be the subject of Smorgasdork’s kitchen? No one, that’s who. That being said, we have a couple of options for crafting the delectable dessert. Which of Bethesda’s sweetrolls are we going to craft. Well the title of today’s post gives it away, but we are going to make the Fallout 3 sweetroll together, because it honestly looks the most appetizing. Fallout 4 wins the prize for the least edible and most irradiated, and the Skyrim sweetroll we actually did make that but it a bit more complex than we care to admit in a post (yet).

Plus I stole the recipes from Vault 350, the secret vault where there were annual cooking competitions where the losers were literally chopped. Looking at the model for the Fallout 3 sweetroll, we can tell two things, it’s covered in sugar, is biscuit shaped, and restores 5hp. We can definitely accomplish 2 out of the three, so set your Mr. Handy to flamer mode, because we’re going to bake a Bethesda signature.

Crafting Ingredients:

Dough

  • 2 Tblspn Baking Powder
  • 1 Tspn Salt
  • 1/2 Tspn Nutmeg
  • 2 Cups Flour
  • 2 Tblspn Sugar
  • 1 Tspn Vanilla Extract
  • 3/4 Cup of your choice of Milk
    • Chef’s Note: I prefer Almond Milk
  • 1 Egg
  • 2 Tsp melted Butter
    • Vegan Alt: 2 Tsp Sesame Oil

Filling

  • 2 Tspn Cinnamon
  • 2 Tblspn Brown Sugar
  • 2 Tblspn Sugar

Frosting

  • 1/3 Cream Cheese
    • Vegan Alt: Tofutti Cream Cheese
  • 2 Cups Confectionery Sugar
  • 1 Tsp Vanilla Extract

Player’s Guide:

If you have a Mass Fusion brand oven, then set the radiation level to 175 Sieverts, but for everyone else, preheat your ovens to 400˚F and grab the dough ingredients. In a mixing bowl, blend together the baking powder, salt, nutmeg, and flour. In a separate bowl, mix the liquid ingredients (egg, milk, butter, vanilla extract) and beat it all together. Pour the resulting solution into the mixing bowl with you dry goods and start mixing that bowl as well as a Raider Chemist mixes Psycho.

You should have a lovely lump of dough that’s ready for rolling out. Using either a floured surface or a non stick matt (this is how I cheat the clean up), spread out your dough into a rectangular sheet. Mix the filling ingredients (cinnamon, brown sugar, and sugar), sift across the top of you dough sheet. Make sure to cover it thoroughly. Lightly press it down to make sure it sticks. Alternatively, prior to sifting, you can take another 2 Tsp of melted butter and paint the dough sheet with it. This’ll help with the sticking process, but also help melt the sugar more when being baked.

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Now that we have our sweetroll base, we can form them up into rolls. If you’ve ever made a burrito before or made a paper telescope, you have all the prerequisite perks to pull off this next feat. Slicing perpendicular from the long side of the dough sheet, make 6-8 strips. Roll each strip up into a disk, taking care to into the dough to make sure it holds together. Think of it as pinching the do together and making a closed zipper. Immediately place the sweetrolls into an oven safe pan or skillet and toss those suckers into the fire.

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Those will take about 15-25 minutes to cook depending on the cooperation of your oven. Just peek in every 5 minutes to see if they’ve reached a golden brown color. While they’re baking, we can move to the sweet side of the kitchen and whip up some frosting. The reason why I chose to make a cream cheese frosting is that all game models of the sweetroll (save for Oblivion and Fallout 4) have very bright white, thick frosting. Cream cheese frosting has those traits in spades. It’s also incredibly simple to make. Just toss the powdered sugar, cream cheese, and vanilla extract into a mix and mix the heck out of it. It’ll look clumpy for awhile, but it eventually coalesces together into a smooth, thick frosting. As soon as the sweetrolls are out of the oven, you’ll want to top them off with the frosting. After you’re done decorating the delectables, set them aside or eat them hot. No wrong way to eat a sweetroll. Except maybe snacking on one that has been hanging out at an abandoned diner since 2077.

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